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Antwort Script (Ironisch)

1. Vorschlag

Zitat
Dear Sir/Madam.....................,

Thank you very much for writing to me. I am Conchita and I am so poor that I have no last name as my father could not afford one for me. We live on a small island in the South Pacific and are the only family that has lived here for the past one hundred years.

Unfortunately, we have eaten almost everything on the island except for the dirt and two skinny dogs that are too old to scratch fleas. Fortunately, we ate all the fleas so there are none left for the dogs to worry about.

I am so pleased that you have offered to send us your twenty-five million US dollars. We have not seen money for the last three generations as we have no place to spend it and no means of getting to a place where we could spend it if we wanted to. I can assure you that we will take excellent care of your funds and invest them wisely. Our plan for the money is as follows:

1. We want to build a deep water port in Williwilli, our little lagoon here on the island.

2. We then want to bring in a barge with an electrical generator so that we can have electricity on the island once again. We haven`t had electricity in over two hundred years because the last generator broke down and we have no parts to repair it.

3. We want to build a school here so the children can learn to read and write. It is really hard to create email messages with no electricity and no knowledge of reading or writing skills.

4. We then want to install a phone company so we can communicate with the outside world and meet more wonderful people like you and your blessed family.

5. We then want to build a satellite cable system so we can watch television and see all the latest fights in the world. We don`t have those here and miss them very much. We think that we could probably hook up a computer to the cable or telephone lines so we could send email messages to our new found friends when we get them.

6. We want to build a grocery store so we have a place to buy things like bubble gum and candy, something we have never had here.

7. We will then need to build a road from our cave to the grocery store so we can get there. Of course, we will need a car to drive on the road or there will be no point in having a road, will there?

8. If we get a car we will need gas and oil but maybe we could just take some from the electrical generator and save that money for a beauty salon, something we really need here. Have you seen the women around here? They are just awful looking.

9. Of course, we will have to build a church so we have a place to go and be thankful for the gifts you have offered us.

Once all these things have been completed, if there is any money left we would like to use it to build a house to live in. The hole we use for an outhouse is rapidly filling up since we began receiving your letters of appeal and we will need to move soon as the cave will be unbearable to live in during hot weather. Air conditioning in our new house would be nice too.

It is too bad that I am only eight years old. If I were older I could come and visit you if you sent me an airplane ticket and an airplane with pontoons on it so it could land in the lagoon. One of my grandchildren would like to come and visit you also, if you don`t mind.

I shall patiently await the arrival of the next bottle with your message telling us when the money will be here.
Thank you again, for your kind generosity.

It is sincerely appreciated,

Conchita


Antwort Script (Ironisch)

2. Vorschlag

Zitat
Dear Sir/Madam..................,

Do not be surprised or alarmed at this method of communication – I found your name through my database of idiots taxpayers.

My name is Gordon Brown and I am the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the UK. During the last few years my colleagues and I have stolen Billions of pounds from the British public and we are now looking for a trustworthy partner to assist us in transferring this money to a safe haven before the Conservative Party regains power at the next election.

We carried out this practice mainly under the guise of so called "Stealth Taxes" so that the British taxpayer couldn’t turn around and accuse us of raising the income tax rate. But as an astute businessman yourself you will realise that there are more ways of killing a cat than just kicking it in the crotch.

We have systematically raised taxes and duties on petrol, alcohol, cigarettes, pension funds, council taxes and a myriad of other items that the average British citizen is too dumb to recognise. A large part of the money raised was, of course, wasted in trying to live up to our election manifesto promises. As Tony said “education, education, education” What he meant was those of us who can afford it will always prefer to send our sons and daughters to some smart fee-paying school rather than the run down alternatives available under the “free” education system. Likewise we always prefer to have private medical treatment rather than rely on the National Health Service (Have you seen how disgusting some of those hospitals are? People can get ill staying in one of those.)

Perhaps our biggest coup was in convincing everyone that war with Iraq was necessary for world peace – that alone used up billions of pounds of taxpayer’s money.

We need to be sure of your reliability in carrying out this project with us and what we ask is that you maintain complete confidentiality. For this we are prepared to grant you 10% of the transferred fund whilst my partners and I will keep 85%; the remaining 5% will be used to cover all foreseeable expenses such as spin-doctors etc.

Please note that this is a 100% risk-free transaction and that all modalities are in place to ensure that the transfer is completed within 7 days.

If you feel that you cannot assist us in this project please let me know by return, as we will then ask George Bush if he can help us.

Yours in the Tuscany vineyards,

Gordon Brown


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